“Your future will bloom into something much bigger and significant” says the walpaper on my dekstop I set during my gracious college years.
I say gracious because I win at so many places. I got into an English speaking class program at campus, religiously did well on one promoting-English-student-association, got into a student exchange program. It is enough. I won at life. I graduated with grace my family could brag about to their family.
But, after that?
Everything is gone. I fall into a deep swirling hole. I did not get the victory I used to bring everyday. I simply am a loser now.
As someone who graduated with great GPA and a pretty nice experiences, everyone expects me to do great things; cousin wants me to work a prestigious FMCG Company, father wants me to take care of his company, I have a company to build.
And I haven’t done all the great stuff everyone expects me to do. I still cannot give my mother and sisters the happiness I used to imagine a lot.
Imagining is so easy. I used to think I can easily conquer the world as I am capable and I think I win at everything, therefore I am a treasure and I can win easily at my next phase of life.
What a thought….
What am I doing with my life? Why am I doing nothing? Why am I like this? What did I do that I got to be put on this kind of situation?
I feel so worthless. I am sorry for my mother as she gets to see me everyday at house, doing absolutely nothing. I feel deeply ashamed of that.
Should I be a full-time teacher instead?
But, what about father’s company?
What about my company?
But, nothing’s starting yet.
Can I even start it?
Can I even manage it? Can I make it?
Why is everything so slow and pointless?
I should not be living this way. It is a shame that I am at this life point now and I have no idea how to move on and break the obstacle. I don’t wanna live.
Is it my fault? Am I being too passive? Was I supposed to do something at this point?
“You know you’re in a big empty hole now but you did nothing to change it!”
“You’re being too lazy to even do something when this is your own damn life.”
“We could do something but you still sit there looking at empty air like a total moron all day.”
“Yes, it is your fault.”
“What are you gonna do with life? Are you going to stay stagnant, hoping somebody out of nowhere would just throw you a great opportunity which can make all of your dreams come true? Stay dreaming.”
***
Humans are mean, but they are the meanest to themselves. I am, too, not an exception.
